Sharing

You know at a very early age we are taught to share without consequences. This works for us as we’re young children and we’re not tainted by society or greed. Though as time goes on this changes in all of us. No matter what you share there’s always a risk involved in releasing things to others in the off chance they take this and use it against you or towards their advantage. I personally have been selfish with a lot of things in life and don’t really see a reason to change. I’m ok with the fact that I only give enough to get by so people don’t ask questions or pry. Life is complicated and the less emotion you put into it the less complicated it becomes. Sure this may result in a lifetime of loneliness but you can’t ever get hurt if you’re not sharing. I recently tried this whole sharing thing and I understand why I’ve come to never do it all these years. I believe for me at least, that it’s not going to help or improve me as a person. I’m an individual and that’s all I want to be I don’t want to share me or myself with anyone. I don’t need someone to walk into my life only to walk right back out. Call it selfish, walled up, closed off, or whatever. I call it safe. Though I may not feel the blade of the knife that scars me I’m aware that one exists, and I always know where it’s at. You see by not “Sharing” I can determine how deep the bladed cuts. If you share you’re letting someone else press down on this blade. I’m not ok with that I want to control what happens to me. So for me “Sharing” is not really an option. A tragic lifetime of emptiness or shallow relationship is a much more viable option.

Understanding people and knowing that most of us lack for companionship means I’ll never have to be alone if I chose not to be. I don’t believe in playing games or toying with people’s emotions. I’m very upfront with who I am and how I am. Just know that we all have the power to give or take and I’m not “Sharing”…

Weakness

Far too often we stray away from things that we’re vulnerable to. No one like to be weak or show signs of cracking on our walls. Recently I’ve studied my weakness, my Kryptonite have you, and I’m telling you there’s a lot that can be learned from this. Understanding our “Weakness” is key in growing in order to complete ourselves. To truly accept it and embrace it will not make you weak but rather make you stronger, much stronger. Don’t shy away from it, face it head on. Challenge it explore it know it as if it were your strength. Live it, become one with it, and most of all accept it!

I’ve always been afraid of conflict, so much so that I would put myself in very awkward situations to avoid it. I’d literally do anything to avoid conflict and in lieu of this I’ve been in some very precarious situations. While I was afraid of not only my “Weakness”, but the reactions from it. I’ve let that go and now I’m learning to control and hopefully someday master it. I’m no longer going to run from it, avoid conflict, or live a lie. My mask of smiles shall be removed and I will forever hold true inside and out. My own personal “Weakness” is nothing that extravagant or prestigious but it is a flaw none the less. Ironically enough after studying it and learning to accept it I’ve realized the true power and sheer beauty of it. I’ve always been blinded by it and would succumb to it time and time again. I’ve lived most of my life running from this rather than facing it, and while hindsight is 20/20 I should of done this a long time ago.

I’m not going to state my “Weakness” here, but I will tell you this by facing it I’m no longer afraid of it. It can’t tame me or stop me from controlling it. By allowing this to consume me it was controlling me, I felt powerless at times. By letting something control me that much I have allowed it to beat me. I can assure you one thing those days are over, long over and the balance of power has definitely changed. I’ve finally let it consume me for the right reasons, and now I can relinquish this control and learn from it.

So take whatever “Weakness” you have analyze it understand it and learn how to master it…

A Little Too Late

You know recently I’ve know so many things in my life to change that while I wonder how and why I can’t help but think the timing of life in my case is always just a tad off. It always seems like I’m just a “A Little Too Late”. Ironically enough when we find ourselves in this situation it’s really one of convenience rather than necessity. While we are going along on our own little happy way it appears that we finally wake up one day and realize that hey I should get myself in gear and do the right thing. Unfortunately we are set up for failure since we already have the answers and know what to do. This promotes nothing healthy and genuine but rather an ideal situation for the most opportunistic. Do people really change or are we just smarter about what to do and say? I believe given the choices I’ve been presented in life I know that right now right here I could say all the right things and do the necessary to make things all work. But I personally can’t do that it’s empty it means nothing. I’m not being real to myself if I do this nor am I being true to the over scope of things which is much more important. Why do I not do the right things or express myself when I have the time to?

Life is hard and it hurts to put yourself out there no one wants to throw their cards on the table and regardless of what people tell you they never fully do. Understanding this and accepting it is about all that you can do. I know that I’ve closed myself off to prevent the other person from having control and this has presented me with a lifetime of empty relationships doomed from the start. I feel bad and know that I’ve left a lot of good women in the dark in my lifetime who tried and wanted nothing more than talk to the elusive man they’ve come across. I’ve always believed some will win some will lose but I will never lose more than them. Unfortunately this is the furthest from the truth. I have lost more than all of them and I now know what I’ve done to myself over the past 20 plus years. The other day a friend of mine said I was his hero and he wished he could do what I do. I looked at him and without hesitation stated “The difference between you and me is I’m going to die an old lonely man.” You see I’ve accepted my place in life and I’m fairly certain I know where I’ll end up. Needless to say I have all the tools to have a great relationship and be everything any woman could ever want, I just choose not to. Regardless of my reasons following my reactions to most situations in life I’m always “A Little Too Late”….

Impossible Timing

While I believe that all things in life happen for a reason and there’s nothing thrown at us that we can’t handle, sometimes the “Timing” is suspect. Recently a lot of “Timing” events have occurred in my life that has me questioning my position and stance. You see I was trotting along this little happy path with very little worries or concerns. Then suddenly one day something changed and this path seemed to turn, and not only once but several times. Now I’m standing before a major intersection with may outlets. I was just sure of how things were and where I was going and then life throws me a whirlwind of events. Strangely enough the “Timing” on these things seems to coincide with other events in my life but none the less “Timing” definitely plays a part in my decisions. I’m in constant wonder as to why now? Why at this point in my life? I’m guessing that there’s plans for me and I have to accept the fact that I may or may not be able to capitalize on some of these events. I was so certain that I had my life set and planned out and I knew for certain that things would be like this forever. Finally accepting my place and future I was positive that I knew my place and my role. Now things are a bit skewed and my vision of what once was has now become a thing of the past.

So in the ever changing journey known as life when we feel the most comfortable and secure it pushes us through a different door. Trying to plan or predict this cannot be done thus creating “Impossible Timing”…

Mastering the Art of Loneliness

OK this past week I’ve run across several people from a variety of situations and I’ve come across one common thread here. There’s so many lonely people. Let me explain you don’t have to be alone to be lonely, nor do you have to be lonely if you’re alone.

So I’ve got a friend that is with a person and is unhappy but refuses to let that person go because they can’t handle the quiet and solitude that ensues. So while this selfishness is promoting bad habits and defining a relationship of denial. This portrayal of discontent on someone else’s feelings is just wrong no matter how you look at it. So this makes little sense to me you don’t want the person you’re with you’re talking to other people but you can’t let this go because you’re afraid of being alone and in a quiet house.

Now there’s another good friend of mine that is in a relationship that feels completely alone. I think that this is probably a very common place and where most of the relationships I know live. How come it turns like this how can you feel alone when there’s someone just feet away. I know laying up at night there’s times that you look over and think when will I find the one for me. So as time goes on complacency sets in and things that were fun now taper off to routine at best. Dinners are spent alone though you’re literally two feet away. Watching TV becomes I’m on this side of the couch your on that side. I don’t touch you unless I have to or want something. I can’t wait for you to go somewhere so I can have my alone time, even though I have it all the time.

The one that really kills me is another friend who has just recently left a relationship like the previous paragraph explains. I remember hearing them say if I’m going to do everything alone and feel alone I may as well be alone. Fast forward a few months now that day has come, but guess what…. they’re lonely. OK you were lonely while you were with them and wanted out to have your “own” time, and now you’re alone. So talking to this individual I find out that they miss having someone around, so even though they felt alone they at least had the opportunity to have someone in their life if they choose to. Now seriously another act of selfishness.

All of this has brought me to the conclusion that the majority of people that have these “loneliness issues” are indeed themselves lonely. If you’re looking for validation or happiness from someone else it’s never going to happen. You have to be happy with yourself and things in your life need to be good. Be yourself and like it, be comfortable in your own skin. Realize you’re not perfect and you have flaws. Most importantly accept your mistakes and you as a person.

So I myself and entirely alone during the hardest times of the year. Another Birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas that I’ll be alone. All of that being said I’d rather be alone and happy then with someone and miserable. So while I’m alone, I’m not lonely……

Broken Time

You know recently I’ve had a big shock from things in my past resurfacing. While I have always looked forward and never regretted much of anything lately I’m in this really bizarre state of “what if”. Needless to say I believe that people enter our lives for specific reasons unknown to us at that time only to later reveal a much clearer picture.

I’ve come across a few friends lately that are going through some issues within their personal life and it always seems like I’m the one with all of this magical advice. While I believe that what I say is sound it’s so strange to hear others talk themselves out of what they know they feel. I always try to force others to look at things through the eyes of another person and remove them from the situation and put their emotions aside. Ironically enough they’re always able to spot out and tell you what you should do in these situations which are identical yet, they’re not able to see it themselves. I used to get lost in wonderment as to why the human psyche will allow you to make excuses for your life and be OK with it. I personally had this issue with many things in my life until I woke up one day and said I’m holding myself accountable for the things that I can control. No one cares if I work out, run, or eat healthy. But I'll tell you who does... Me When I do something bad or fall of the wagon I quickly remind myself to get back on track and focus. I’ve allowed myself the opportunity to right my wrongs, not make excuses for them. I’m tired, I need something fast, I’m sore….. Seriously come on who am I kidding, while this may fly and the outsiders may think this is a valid reason. I know this is no reason this is an excuse. I’m so sick of excuses I’m a person of accountability and results.

Very recently I found myself in a situation that I kept making excuses for someone and kept allowing them to continue to do the same things over and over again. Not until I was able to muster the courage to take control of “MY” life and grow did I realize how much time I wasted. I’m notorious for sticking around much longer than I should of or had to. Call it loyalty, optimism, belief call it whatever you’d like because at the end of the day it’s an excuse a crutch have you.

I’ve give so much “Broken Time” to others that I’ve missed out on my own life and happiness. I refuse to be in a situation that makes me unhappy. Life is way too short to be miserable. A very good friend of mine once told me that if the person you’re with doesn’t make you feel like a king leave them because someone will. They informed me that I should not waste my short time on this planet in a miserable state, but rather use it to search out that one thing that will make me happy.

Now that all of this has become so clear to me I ask if you’ve got “Broken Time” in your life, you my friend have already given up...

Emotional Numbness

I’ve always been the rock, the one for all others to talk to and give advice to. People look up to me they know I’ve got my stuff together and I am a squared away guy. I’ve always been there for people and have been able to do this effectively for a better part of 35 years now. I think there’s an emotional pitcher in all of us when it becomes to full it starts to overflow. During these times of overflow we must talk to someone (usually someone like me) to have them pick up all of the excess bits of confusion that is spewing from our pitcher. After gathering all of this information it gets dissected and analyzed and advice or logic rationale follows.

Ok so if that’s the process what happens when my pitcher begins to fill and start to overflow? Well I can tell you what has happened to me it’s what I call “Emotional Numbness”. I’ve been conditioned to lose sight of my own thoughts and feelings, and things start to blur or blend together. Since there’s no one there to pick up all of my pieces they keep overflowing. I’m left with this huge amount of emotional baggage that I have no idea what to do with. My feelings are now a huge conglomeration of confusion. I’m mad, but I’m sad. I’m Happy but I’m lost. I’m upset yet I’m hopeful. It’s such a strange feeling to have with all of these feelings swirling around you, and at anytime any one of them can step up and take over. Luckily for me mentally I’m ridiculously locked in.

I’ve got such a tight hold on my mind and it’s abilities that I can always present a cool calm logical side to the world. While behind every smile lies a puddle of tears at least the rest of the world believes I’m as strong as I appear to be...

Artificial Intelligence

Very recently I took a keen eye towards couples interactions. While ironically I believe that most people who are together are not completely happy with each other but do nothing about it to change things. So I guess this kind of goes along the lines of the whole are you living or are you existing?

Needless to say I’m a people watcher I always have been and always will be. It’s so entertaining and I’ve made a lifetime out of reading people, so for the most part I believe that I am a good judge at first on what’s going on. So this bring me to my point about this post “Artificial Intelligence” .

While at face value “Artificial Intelligence” may mean some super interactive counter intuitive logic designed to interact with you on a level which would rival human interaction. So I’m not defining it in that sense at all but instead the empty feeling that exists in most people’s relationships.

So I’ve always been a big believer of the whole you’ve got to try harder as the relationship develops not while you’re in the honeymoon stage. You don’t even have to do anything you just have to show up in the beginning. The other person is lusting after the knowledge you’ll provide them. Here’s an example: When’s the last time you talked on the phone with your other half for more than 30 minutes and it wasn’t a fight? When’s the last time you two had a make out session, and it ended there? There’s a quote from a song that I think is absolutely perfect in describing this:

Some people say that love's a losin' game
You start with fire but you lose the flame
The ashes smolder but the warmth's soon gone
You end up cold and lonely on your own

Seriously I don’t know if you realize the power of these lyrics but tell me honestly tell me that nearly every relationship is exactly that.

So now that we’ve discussed the whole “Artificial Intelligence” concept lets dissect it. So very recently I was standing in line when I noticed this elderly couple in front of me, they weren’t holding hands or even doing a whole lot, but they had this aura about them. You knew they loved each other and it was cute, watching them interact you could completely understand that they not only knew each other but accepted each other. They didn’t say much but you just knew there was no question in your mind that they were traveling the same journey. On the other hand looking around at the rest of the people I could easily suggest everyone was just existing in their relationship. Whether it be for the kids, the convenience or fear of change it’s very obvious.

Why is this such an oddity? What isn’t the oddity the whole “Artificial Intelligence” concept. I’m like seriously is it that big of a deal to actually want to be with the one you’re with? Why pretend or stay together based on convenience and comfort. While complacency is a killer, it’s the lack of acknowledging that is the real problem.

I’ve always said I refuse to wake up and realize I’m 40 and I’m in a loveless relationship that I’m trapped in. I don’t want to be that person so many of us are out there. Understanding just how artificial your relationships are, make the intelligent choice and find happiness……

Self Reflection

Recently I’ve been doing a lot of personal reflection and soul searching which is a very unfamiliar place for me as I always live my life going forward and not wondering what if. I must say while I have been doing some self discovery I’m not dwelling in the past per say but rather trying to learn and grow from my experiences. I’ve always been a big believer in you grow from what you’ve been through and it defines who you are today. I know now that while I may have been saying that the reality is that I haven’t been living that, and if I was I was blind at times.

There’s a few key points that I’d like to address at least from my own personal encounters.

1. Having someone that believes in you.

This is huge as I’ve found out over the years, I never truly understood the power of this at the time but I know now just how crucial it is. There was a past relationship that has really formed me into the man I am today they harvested my self pride and confidence and I was forever changed. I think back and I long for that support, but due to my strength and power I’ve managed to survive without it. Though had I had that same support system today, there’s no telling where and who I’d be.

2. Having a strong independent person

Ok this is as equally as huge and though I believe for the most part this has been a hindrance I believe it has also been a strengthening exercise. While I’d love to say I enjoy helping others there’s a difference between helping and doing the majority of things. At some point or another you become an enabler rather than the strong one.

3. Doing things for you

Ok while this one is a bit ambiguous it’s more about feeling good about yourself. I think it’s important to do things for yourself that make you confident and feel good about yourself. For instance I used to run and love doing it, I have not done this nearly as much as I’d like or should. By first improving yourself and feeling good about the inner you the rest will come along.

Lastly and by far the most important….

4. Start living don’t go on existing

This is what I believe the problem with most of the world is experiencing today. While we get caught up in the day to day grind we don’t ever challenge ourselves to do something to make us feel alive. We rather stay in the trenches and have the blinders on about the bills and stress that life and work throws at us. Even if you do one small thing a day to make you feel alive if you can remember what that’s like then you have begun your journey.

On a side note I believe in the power of positive reinforcement. We all have the ability to let things bring us down or let them have minimal impact upon us. I thoroughly believe that negativity and negative people are like a poison. If you let it consume you it will, and it will spread to whomever will allow it to.

There’s and old Indian saying about the wolves that live inside of us which describes this perfectly.

We each have two wolves living inside of us one is hate and the other is happiness.

How do you know what one you will become?

This is easy whichever one you feed….