Emotional Numbness

I’ve always been the rock, the one for all others to talk to and give advice to. People look up to me they know I’ve got my stuff together and I am a squared away guy. I’ve always been there for people and have been able to do this effectively for a better part of 35 years now. I think there’s an emotional pitcher in all of us when it becomes to full it starts to overflow. During these times of overflow we must talk to someone (usually someone like me) to have them pick up all of the excess bits of confusion that is spewing from our pitcher. After gathering all of this information it gets dissected and analyzed and advice or logic rationale follows.

Ok so if that’s the process what happens when my pitcher begins to fill and start to overflow? Well I can tell you what has happened to me it’s what I call “Emotional Numbness”. I’ve been conditioned to lose sight of my own thoughts and feelings, and things start to blur or blend together. Since there’s no one there to pick up all of my pieces they keep overflowing. I’m left with this huge amount of emotional baggage that I have no idea what to do with. My feelings are now a huge conglomeration of confusion. I’m mad, but I’m sad. I’m Happy but I’m lost. I’m upset yet I’m hopeful. It’s such a strange feeling to have with all of these feelings swirling around you, and at anytime any one of them can step up and take over. Luckily for me mentally I’m ridiculously locked in.

I’ve got such a tight hold on my mind and it’s abilities that I can always present a cool calm logical side to the world. While behind every smile lies a puddle of tears at least the rest of the world believes I’m as strong as I appear to be...

Artificial Intelligence

Very recently I took a keen eye towards couples interactions. While ironically I believe that most people who are together are not completely happy with each other but do nothing about it to change things. So I guess this kind of goes along the lines of the whole are you living or are you existing?

Needless to say I’m a people watcher I always have been and always will be. It’s so entertaining and I’ve made a lifetime out of reading people, so for the most part I believe that I am a good judge at first on what’s going on. So this bring me to my point about this post “Artificial Intelligence” .

While at face value “Artificial Intelligence” may mean some super interactive counter intuitive logic designed to interact with you on a level which would rival human interaction. So I’m not defining it in that sense at all but instead the empty feeling that exists in most people’s relationships.

So I’ve always been a big believer of the whole you’ve got to try harder as the relationship develops not while you’re in the honeymoon stage. You don’t even have to do anything you just have to show up in the beginning. The other person is lusting after the knowledge you’ll provide them. Here’s an example: When’s the last time you talked on the phone with your other half for more than 30 minutes and it wasn’t a fight? When’s the last time you two had a make out session, and it ended there? There’s a quote from a song that I think is absolutely perfect in describing this:

Some people say that love's a losin' game
You start with fire but you lose the flame
The ashes smolder but the warmth's soon gone
You end up cold and lonely on your own

Seriously I don’t know if you realize the power of these lyrics but tell me honestly tell me that nearly every relationship is exactly that.

So now that we’ve discussed the whole “Artificial Intelligence” concept lets dissect it. So very recently I was standing in line when I noticed this elderly couple in front of me, they weren’t holding hands or even doing a whole lot, but they had this aura about them. You knew they loved each other and it was cute, watching them interact you could completely understand that they not only knew each other but accepted each other. They didn’t say much but you just knew there was no question in your mind that they were traveling the same journey. On the other hand looking around at the rest of the people I could easily suggest everyone was just existing in their relationship. Whether it be for the kids, the convenience or fear of change it’s very obvious.

Why is this such an oddity? What isn’t the oddity the whole “Artificial Intelligence” concept. I’m like seriously is it that big of a deal to actually want to be with the one you’re with? Why pretend or stay together based on convenience and comfort. While complacency is a killer, it’s the lack of acknowledging that is the real problem.

I’ve always said I refuse to wake up and realize I’m 40 and I’m in a loveless relationship that I’m trapped in. I don’t want to be that person so many of us are out there. Understanding just how artificial your relationships are, make the intelligent choice and find happiness……

Self Reflection

Recently I’ve been doing a lot of personal reflection and soul searching which is a very unfamiliar place for me as I always live my life going forward and not wondering what if. I must say while I have been doing some self discovery I’m not dwelling in the past per say but rather trying to learn and grow from my experiences. I’ve always been a big believer in you grow from what you’ve been through and it defines who you are today. I know now that while I may have been saying that the reality is that I haven’t been living that, and if I was I was blind at times.

There’s a few key points that I’d like to address at least from my own personal encounters.

1. Having someone that believes in you.

This is huge as I’ve found out over the years, I never truly understood the power of this at the time but I know now just how crucial it is. There was a past relationship that has really formed me into the man I am today they harvested my self pride and confidence and I was forever changed. I think back and I long for that support, but due to my strength and power I’ve managed to survive without it. Though had I had that same support system today, there’s no telling where and who I’d be.

2. Having a strong independent person

Ok this is as equally as huge and though I believe for the most part this has been a hindrance I believe it has also been a strengthening exercise. While I’d love to say I enjoy helping others there’s a difference between helping and doing the majority of things. At some point or another you become an enabler rather than the strong one.

3. Doing things for you

Ok while this one is a bit ambiguous it’s more about feeling good about yourself. I think it’s important to do things for yourself that make you confident and feel good about yourself. For instance I used to run and love doing it, I have not done this nearly as much as I’d like or should. By first improving yourself and feeling good about the inner you the rest will come along.

Lastly and by far the most important….

4. Start living don’t go on existing

This is what I believe the problem with most of the world is experiencing today. While we get caught up in the day to day grind we don’t ever challenge ourselves to do something to make us feel alive. We rather stay in the trenches and have the blinders on about the bills and stress that life and work throws at us. Even if you do one small thing a day to make you feel alive if you can remember what that’s like then you have begun your journey.

On a side note I believe in the power of positive reinforcement. We all have the ability to let things bring us down or let them have minimal impact upon us. I thoroughly believe that negativity and negative people are like a poison. If you let it consume you it will, and it will spread to whomever will allow it to.

There’s and old Indian saying about the wolves that live inside of us which describes this perfectly.

We each have two wolves living inside of us one is hate and the other is happiness.

How do you know what one you will become?

This is easy whichever one you feed….

4th of July - Rite of Passage....

While the true meaning of the 4^th of July a.k.a. “Independence Day” has long since been lost we can at least honor ourselves this year.

In the historic sense this is one of the most important days in our rich American History. Had the young founders back then not had the determination to take what they felt was theirs we wouldn’t be in the same boat we are today. Ok, Ok so I will not sit here and bore you to death with all of this historic mumbo jumbo banter. But let us be cognizant of the reason we’re going to bar-be-que2, drinking, and waiting around to see the night time explosions.

So now the real reason for this post….

This year I challenge you to enjoy yourself like you were an 8 year old child without a care in the world. While we sit in limbo with high hopes of what’s to come throw all your inhibitions and cares aside. There was a time that the shine in your eyes was much brighter than the one you’re awaiting to see in the warm summer night sky. Do you recall the built up anticipation that you felt as people were all huddled around looking up into nothingness awaiting to see what this year’s show was all about. As a child you didn’t rate or judge it, you were just happy to see it. Almost salivating at all of the mom and pop little fireworks going off around you, it became hard to contain yourself. Awaiting as to see what was in store for you perched with your head back trying to pick the exact moment when the magnificent show would begin. You countdown in your mind knowing that when you hit 1 the show will miraculously begin. Suddenly the very first loud crack comes out, the sky lights up so brightly you can feel it nearly take the breath out of all sight seers standing by motionless. You can feel the warmth on you r face as if the sun had just emerged from behind a cloud. While this teaser just makes your imagination yearn for more the entire crowd becomes silent.

Ironically the barrage of thunderous booms begin almost as if it’s unexpected. Flashes of multi colored patterns fill the sky as we all try to makes shapes out of what we see in our minds eye. Flash after flash, spark after spark they fill our internal happiness tank until it’s capped off and we think there’s no room. At this point in time we realize that our happiness tank has “no limit”. This moment of serenity which needs no explanation or questioning, you’re here and you’re ecstatic. While this goes on for quite some time, you hold each boom in your soul as if it’s the last and you’re going take all of it in not missing a beat. With each explosion you can see the red glow bounce off of everyone’s face as if in front of a giant “Eat at Joe’s” neon sign. The only audible sounds are “Oh’s” and “Ah’s”, with an occasional giggle. This moment is truly special as there are no cares no negativity no sadness, just anticipation and satisfaction. You’ll never see so many captivated people smiling in on place all for their own reasons, yet they all hold one thing in common: “We’re all here enjoying and experiencing this together”.

As the “Big Bang” of the Grand Finale approaches cheers, whistle, hoots and hollers begin to fill the air piercing through the light haze of smoke from the plethora of the previous explosions. This new found state of euphoria is untouched and can’t be disrupted as you live in complete harmony. Boom after boom, explosion after explosion, the climax of the event has truly lived up to all that you could hope for. Then suddenly as fast as it all started it ends. For a brief moment there’s silence….

Then you hear that first car start and you know the night has come full circle. At this moment, at this very exact moment, the entire mood of everyone watching changes. This is the period of reentry back into our so called life, the looming letdown and sadness starts to creep over the crowd almost like a virus. There is no quicker way to deflate an entire group of people. Even at a sporting event when the away team scores that last point to win the game, there’s always some visiting team players in the crowd that feel the jubilation of victory. You have just left the tranquil place you’ve lived in for the past 45 minutes and have succumb to the pressures and realizations of society.

This rite of passage pulls us in and forces us to immediately acknowledge the stress of 10,000 people all trying to get out of a space designed to hold 3,000. On the way home the sound of explosion have been replaced by horns honking, the explosions have been replaced by engines being revved up in frustration. But the saddest transformation has yet to be witnessed. All of the smiles and giggles just moments before are now replaced by frowns and curse words as everyone is obviously more important and intelligent than all of the other’s who are stuck in the same exact position that they are.

Sadly enough you were joking an laughing with each other now you’re experiencing road rage and wanting to get violent with the same person. While this makes no sense and can be avoided, it’s almost a necessary evil that’s inevitable….

Have a Safe, Happy, and Childish 4^th of July!

Summer Days....

Is it me or does the Charismatic sun of the summer dampens your motivation to be at work? I love my job but there’s something about the sun when it’s shining bright and full that has a spell on me. The entrancing radiant waves seem to call out to me to play hooky. I know I know most people love to be anywhere but work, so that’s a lame attempt to take a day off.

In my case I honestly love my job and enjoy coming to work each and every day. I’ve got a great group of guys that I work with and the environment is phenomenal.

All of that aside when I look out the window the sun is yearning for me to join it in all its entirety. The warmth of the rays beating off the metallic cars prompts me to hop in and run away from the corporate life. I could go bask away on some tropical island and live forever.

Now I’ll close my eyes and imagine that I’m somewhere other than work…..