I Run Therefore I Am....

I sit in an office and while it gives me every excuse to be fat and lazy I refuse to give in. My life is busy anyone with kids knows that you're a slave to them(how odd how that's backwards, oh well whatever).

So I have to run during my lunch hour(which is nice it helps break up the day). I take a late lunch(I usually head out about 1:30 or so) it helps the day go by faster the only downfall it's hot as hell when I run. I like to think of it as added resistance. Since I live in Flat Florida I have no hills, but I do have heat and humidity. Unlike hills they are constant so in a sick way it's like running uphill all the time. =) I will say that my pace in the summer drops significantly compared to the winter(if you can call it that).

Running has really helped me in many ways(besides the obvious health benefits). It has given me the ability to push myself and do things I didn't think I could do(or want to on most occasions). Out there on the road it's you against yourself(and the road/trail/path/whatever), and you have nothing better to do than think so now is a perfect time. Also thinking helps you keep your mind of the fact your on fire.

With all of this I guess I run for me. At the end of the day it helps me which in turn benefits others but it helps me keep my edge and I love running more than any other form of exercising period(Though a swim in my pool is a close second).

That being said I Run Therefore I Am....

Vegas Baby

You know I've been to Vegas a dozen times(Hell I lived in LA so it was a quick 3 hour trip across the desert) and this time it was so different than all the other times.(Granted this time it wasn't about drinking and gambling 24/7).

I really took time this time to notice what Vegas has to offer and what it's really about(Yes this is correct not a single drop of alcohol). After noticing all the massive changes from the last time I was there I was quickly put back into place on what that city is all about. It's almost like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide thing. In the day it's bright sunny and people are walking around looking at all the sights taking pictures and making it appear that it's a normal place.

When the sun sets so do all the safeties and morals that most people know. The first thing that I noticed were the millions of people(men and women back in the day it was just guys) wearing brightly colored shirts handing out pamphlets for prostitution *cough* excuse me escorts or dates. OK seriously who the hell doesn't know you're trying to hand out a paper of some hot chick who doesn't exist that they're trying to get you to "Pay" to hang out with her. Enough of that no need to give any more attention to something that deserves none.

Secondly it seems like the whole atmosphere and aura changes after dark it's much more loose and a bit shady. Why is it that because you're in Vegas now 98% of all the women feel it's appropriate to dress like a Slut? Seriously? I saw more chicks dressed in clothes that were at least two sizes too small than I have combined in my lifetime. Now don't get me wrong I'm a man and I enjoy the sight seeing but it becomes pointless. You actually become desensitized to it. By the time I left the chicks dancing in the cages nearly naked I didn't even do a double take at.

I played my two favorite games of choice(Blackjack and Crap) and despite the craziness I actually left with more money than I went with(this was a first and probably a last). I could totally become a professional gambler. This is hard to believe since I also have OCD.(I'm a video game junkie I tell you). You would think that this would suck me in and I'd become a degenerate. I think it's because I don't really get the high or enjoy it like the obsessive people do. Don't get me wrong I'm doing the high five and cheering thing like no body's business. For some reason I'm able to separate myself from the act of what I'm doing and bring myself back into a logical state of mind. I also hate to lose another reason that I'd think I'd fall prey to loosing everything.

I may have to test this theory out in Vegas Baby...

Broken

I’ve been watching the Casey Anthony trial since it’s right in my backyard and I have to tell you that it’s been an incredible journey. When I first started watching this I can’t lie I was hoping to see the train wreck that would unfold. But as time went on I’ve really had a change of heart on this whole trial thing. I’m not going to lie from Day 1 I thought this selfish bitch was always guilty. Any person regardless of who you are if your child is missing I don’t think you’d be out partying and enjoying yourself. I understand we all grieve differently but I can hardly see how partying and acting like you’re not a mother is an acceptable way to grieve. The other family members seem to be more concerned about her own daughter than she was. Even to this day through all the lies and twisted tales Casey has fed us I can look past it and try to disect the rationale behind her actions. OK she’s a pathological liar I get it. But I can’t look past her sheer disregard and lack of compassion towards not only her own daughter but her family.

I don’t always have the best relationship with my extended family but I can tell you if one of them ended up missing I’d be doing everything I could to find them.

OK the vent is over now to the point of this post.

Watching Casey’s father(George) on the stand you can see a broken man, and it saddens me to the deepest core of my soul to see another human being go through this. I’m not that emotion(mainly because I’m a guy) but this is killing me inside. Watching this poor man go through all of this trama as his daughter sits there with no emotion and accuses him of unspeakable things just furthers my belief that she’s a monster. I’ve never seen another human being go through emotions like this. You can tell without certainty that his emotions are 100% raw and sincere. I think that it’s even harder to watch since it’s a man, and most men are supposed to be strong(that's the whole Alpha Male in me) and be able to handle anything. To see this man being broken down over time like this until the complete destruction of what he has become today is heartbreaking.

Now on the flipside of this I see that Casey just doesn’t seem to care about anything that doesn’t impact her. It’s so blatantly obvious that the only reason she’s even sad is because she can get in trouble. I don’t think that there’s an ounce of guilt in her mind and the only thing that she is worried about is herself. The worst thing is that she has seem to have forgotten that she even had a daughter and she’s now gone forever.

Both of these people are broken, for very different reasons and in very different ways….

Inside Your Outward Self...

Well I've been absent awhile life has been busy but hey that's what this crazy journey is all about.

I had a race over the weekend it was just a short 5K and I've been doing 4 miles pretty consistently at lunch so I thought hey no big deal. Man was I wrong first off at lunch I run in a secluded area so I can take my shirt off, I'm way too modest to do that in a group of people. Regardless if I have a six pack or a beer belly that's just not my style. So I had my regular Dry Fit shirt on which was far from dry by the time the race ended. Secondly I run with very little inclines as there's just a lot of flat land here. So the race starts going up a bridge and ends going up that same bridge. I did it in 25:27 not my best time by far but considering the sweltering heat I'll call it a push.

The nice thing about this bring me to the title of this blog "Inside Your Outward Self". You see I run because I sit in a office all day and I love to be active. I run at lunch to break up the day and it's also a great mental exercise since the heat and humidity this time of the year are just plain Nasty. Plenty of water for this parched body please! I know that if I can do this at least 4 out of the 5 days in a work week then hey I can do anything fitness related. The real reason that I started running at lunch is because I'm doing the P90x stuff at night. I used to run then do P90 or vice versa. That was just too much at one time it would wipe me out. So out of convenience I've moved it to the lunch hour. Now granted if my lazy ass could get up at 5AM and run that would be even better but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

OK so no the real reason for this blog since the background has been covered. This whole exercise thing for most I don't think do it for the right reason. Most of the people that I know that want to change their lives and look better are doing it for the Outward Self. Hey don't get me wrong this is great and this is what everyone thinks about or sees when they first see you. But this whole bust your ass for 4 hours a day working out thing is so much more than that. That's just an added benefit if you will. The mental stimulation and growth of pushing yourself is so incredibly rewarding. The funny thing is that most people who exercise will eventually learn this. Though this may not be the driving factor in getting fit, if you do it the right way you will eventually come to this point. I've always tried to push people and let them know that your body will quit before you mind will. Most people just can't get past this. If you can break down these walls and get in touch with your Inner Self you will be able to accomplish things you've never imagined. This isn't just for exercise this is for life in general.

Don't give up or get discouraged but instead learn from your setbacks and improve on them. Do something and do it well this is how you will find out what your Inner Self is made of.

This in turn will help your Outward Self Shine!

Sharing

You know at a very early age we are taught to share without consequences. This works for us as we’re young children and we’re not tainted by society or greed. Though as time goes on this changes in all of us. No matter what you share there’s always a risk involved in releasing things to others in the off chance they take this and use it against you or towards their advantage. I personally have been selfish with a lot of things in life and don’t really see a reason to change. I’m ok with the fact that I only give enough to get by so people don’t ask questions or pry. Life is complicated and the less emotion you put into it the less complicated it becomes. Sure this may result in a lifetime of loneliness but you can’t ever get hurt if you’re not sharing. I recently tried this whole sharing thing and I understand why I’ve come to never do it all these years. I believe for me at least, that it’s not going to help or improve me as a person. I’m an individual and that’s all I want to be I don’t want to share me or myself with anyone. I don’t need someone to walk into my life only to walk right back out. Call it selfish, walled up, closed off, or whatever. I call it safe. Though I may not feel the blade of the knife that scars me I’m aware that one exists, and I always know where it’s at. You see by not “Sharing” I can determine how deep the bladed cuts. If you share you’re letting someone else press down on this blade. I’m not ok with that I want to control what happens to me. So for me “Sharing” is not really an option. A tragic lifetime of emptiness or shallow relationship is a much more viable option.

Understanding people and knowing that most of us lack for companionship means I’ll never have to be alone if I chose not to be. I don’t believe in playing games or toying with people’s emotions. I’m very upfront with who I am and how I am. Just know that we all have the power to give or take and I’m not “Sharing”…

Weakness

Far too often we stray away from things that we’re vulnerable to. No one like to be weak or show signs of cracking on our walls. Recently I’ve studied my weakness, my Kryptonite have you, and I’m telling you there’s a lot that can be learned from this. Understanding our “Weakness” is key in growing in order to complete ourselves. To truly accept it and embrace it will not make you weak but rather make you stronger, much stronger. Don’t shy away from it, face it head on. Challenge it explore it know it as if it were your strength. Live it, become one with it, and most of all accept it!

I’ve always been afraid of conflict, so much so that I would put myself in very awkward situations to avoid it. I’d literally do anything to avoid conflict and in lieu of this I’ve been in some very precarious situations. While I was afraid of not only my “Weakness”, but the reactions from it. I’ve let that go and now I’m learning to control and hopefully someday master it. I’m no longer going to run from it, avoid conflict, or live a lie. My mask of smiles shall be removed and I will forever hold true inside and out. My own personal “Weakness” is nothing that extravagant or prestigious but it is a flaw none the less. Ironically enough after studying it and learning to accept it I’ve realized the true power and sheer beauty of it. I’ve always been blinded by it and would succumb to it time and time again. I’ve lived most of my life running from this rather than facing it, and while hindsight is 20/20 I should of done this a long time ago.

I’m not going to state my “Weakness” here, but I will tell you this by facing it I’m no longer afraid of it. It can’t tame me or stop me from controlling it. By allowing this to consume me it was controlling me, I felt powerless at times. By letting something control me that much I have allowed it to beat me. I can assure you one thing those days are over, long over and the balance of power has definitely changed. I’ve finally let it consume me for the right reasons, and now I can relinquish this control and learn from it.

So take whatever “Weakness” you have analyze it understand it and learn how to master it…

A Little Too Late

You know recently I’ve know so many things in my life to change that while I wonder how and why I can’t help but think the timing of life in my case is always just a tad off. It always seems like I’m just a “A Little Too Late”. Ironically enough when we find ourselves in this situation it’s really one of convenience rather than necessity. While we are going along on our own little happy way it appears that we finally wake up one day and realize that hey I should get myself in gear and do the right thing. Unfortunately we are set up for failure since we already have the answers and know what to do. This promotes nothing healthy and genuine but rather an ideal situation for the most opportunistic. Do people really change or are we just smarter about what to do and say? I believe given the choices I’ve been presented in life I know that right now right here I could say all the right things and do the necessary to make things all work. But I personally can’t do that it’s empty it means nothing. I’m not being real to myself if I do this nor am I being true to the over scope of things which is much more important. Why do I not do the right things or express myself when I have the time to?

Life is hard and it hurts to put yourself out there no one wants to throw their cards on the table and regardless of what people tell you they never fully do. Understanding this and accepting it is about all that you can do. I know that I’ve closed myself off to prevent the other person from having control and this has presented me with a lifetime of empty relationships doomed from the start. I feel bad and know that I’ve left a lot of good women in the dark in my lifetime who tried and wanted nothing more than talk to the elusive man they’ve come across. I’ve always believed some will win some will lose but I will never lose more than them. Unfortunately this is the furthest from the truth. I have lost more than all of them and I now know what I’ve done to myself over the past 20 plus years. The other day a friend of mine said I was his hero and he wished he could do what I do. I looked at him and without hesitation stated “The difference between you and me is I’m going to die an old lonely man.” You see I’ve accepted my place in life and I’m fairly certain I know where I’ll end up. Needless to say I have all the tools to have a great relationship and be everything any woman could ever want, I just choose not to. Regardless of my reasons following my reactions to most situations in life I’m always “A Little Too Late”….